What has now become characteristic of me (contradicting thoughts, self doubt, a feeling of crippling hopelessness and questioning my beliefs) has been very evident the last few days,and it’s been horrible.
I believe in love, which may come as a surprise coming from someone as cynical as myself but I believe it exists. I believe people do genuinely love each other and are meant to be together, I also believe love is the most beautiful and pure thing there is. I believe in love so strongly I’m eventually going to get a tattoo to show it because that’s what teenagers and young adolescents do nowadays.
My problem isn’t whether or not I believe in love, because I do. I just don’t have any faith in love. I don’t believe love conquers all or that love will prevail or save you from sadness or find you eventually or anything like that. It’s truly a terrible thing but that’s what I believe. Over the last couple of days it’s been a particularly difficult pill to swallow because I can feel love’s warm glow radiating inside of me and pushing and pulling me to feel and do things. Because I believe in love I don’t doubt the legitimacy of these feelings, I just have no faith that they will have favorable outcomes or be reciprocated. I hope no one reads this and thinks the same thing for themselves, because that’s not the point of this post. I’m just recognizing that the belief in love isn’t enough to guarantee happiness and trying to give life to my problem so I can deal with it in another way.